Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Randomize
