Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
