you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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