i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
