my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
