In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Randomize
