Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
