You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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