I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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