make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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