And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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