As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
