Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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