Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
