I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
