just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
