my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
