and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
if only i could text you this smell
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
