the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
