where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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