she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
