I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
