Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
