Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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