I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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