my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
