I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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