You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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