NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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