I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I want her autograph on my taint
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
