Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
