So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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