so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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