Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
