Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
