tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Randomize
