Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
