I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
