I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
