i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
