Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
