Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
