What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
