Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
