if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
