haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
