kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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