if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
