the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
