i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
