It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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