after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
